Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
