theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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