For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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