So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
