I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
