I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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