I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
