the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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