I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
