I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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