I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
