Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
