You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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