I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
