Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
