Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
