i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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