I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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