They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
