I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the condom got lost in my hair
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
