i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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