I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
