He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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