oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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