Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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