My Higher Power is John Stamos
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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