the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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