life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
home. puking in laundry basket.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
