Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
