I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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