John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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