i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
