Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
