I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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