My pussy is not your playground.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
