woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
