Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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