I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
