Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
