why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your penis caused this!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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