you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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