I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize