If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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