that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
