i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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