I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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