Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
