the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
