I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
