I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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