At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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