That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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