Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
