my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
