I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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