Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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