btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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