my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
