My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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