Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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