dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize