I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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