I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
